Move Over Carrie…

A few years ago I got really into Sex in the City. Not the books, the show. I like to tell myself that it’s because I adored Big and I just couldn’t wait for Carrie and him to get their shit together. The truth. I was fascinated by the casts brazen disregard for normal behavior, especially when it came to their sexual relationships.

See…I grew up in a tiny town, going to church every Sunday and NOT talking about sex, and the fact that this group of women didn’t bat and eye about flaunting their exploits over teeny tiny salads and alcoholic beverages at 9am on a Tuesday morning intrigued me. It also taught me something. I’m not going to tell you what that something is (that’s an entirely different blog) but Chrystal Rose, the author of Unfaithfully Yours: Confessions of a Cheating Bitch, was more than happy to. (tell you..that is.)

“My name is Chrystal Rose and I’m a cheating bitch. I’m not the first woman to cheat and I won’t be the last. I’m just one of the few who’ll admit to it. Forget what you think you know about cheaters. You think once we are, we always are. You think it’s all about sex. You think we’re whores. Maybe we are.

Maybe we’re just looking for the right one, the right one to keep us faithful. Maybe that’s you. Or maybe it’s no one.

Either way, I spent 6 years with a man I wasn’t in love with, but promised to marry. And I cheated on him, mercilessly. This is my story.”

I have to say first and foremost that I thought this book was great. Filthy. Sometimes a little too explicit, and laced with enough F bombs to sink a US destroyer? Yes. But great all the same.

For some reason men have gotten this horrible rap of ALWAYS being “the cheaters” and while I don’t necessarily think this is true (I’ve had a few girlfriends that didn’t understand the meaning of commitment) there are still too many women that do. Let’s face it ladies, we look at abs just as much as they look at boobs. That’s just life. The only difference, we are labeled as sluts while Joe, in his bright red penis-mobile, is labeled a stud.

In Unfaithfully Yours, Chrystal sheds her cloak of sanity quiet reform and teaches us the ins and outs of the (female) cheating world. She doesn’t “promote” it, but she doesn’t hide behind it either…which is kind of refreshing.

So, how was the writing? (Please excuse my sloppy train of thought, I’m not good with memoirs. *sigh*)

It was engaging, in a very “He’s Just Not That Into You” way. Are you a person who needs an instruction manual when trying to pick out a “good” man? No problem, Chrystal has that covered.

“Nice guys don’t actually exist so stop looking for them immediately. The “nice guy” is like some sort of unicorn women are determined to find and marry. For some reason it appears as though all these unicorns are gay or taken.” – Assholes vs. Nice Guys

The chapters, which were broken down into 3 or 4 paragraphs not only told a portion of the overall story. (For example: Adventures of Dunk Boy, which shares an antidote about her fiance’s need to drown himself in alcohol and then ralph all over his shoes. In public.) But also taught a lesson on how to handle the situation if you find yourself it in. (aka how to get your man up 3 flights of stairs without dropping him.) Add these tips to some pretty interesting first person narration:

“He looked utterly pathetic and defeated as I screamed at him, begged him to make some sort of sense as to why he’d lead me on like that. “I’m just not read.” Was his brilliant response to my rant. I would have felt bad for him if I hadn’t wanted to punch him repeatedly in his face.”

and you have a wildly entertaining story about a nymphomaniac looking for love.

As a side note, I loved the titles of the chapters and her “lovers” nicknames. They are what ultimately kept me reading. You can’t see chapter titles like:

*How to Determine if You’re Dating a Mama’s Boy

*The Do’s and Don’ts of Getting Laid

*The Rules of Being a Mistress or Mister

and nicknames like: Shark Boy, The Crazy Bitch, Stopwatch, The Italian Liar and Mechanic Boy without wanting to know WHERE the names and titles came from.

Overall, definitely NOT a book for everyone, and I dare say even hardcore memoir readers may find themselves a little taken aback by Chrystal’s story, but if you loved Sex in the City, aren’t offended by crude language, and feel the need to laugh…this might just be the book for you.

Happy reading my fellow Kindle-ites and remember: If his mother still makes his dentist and doctors appointments for him, even though he no longer lives in the same state…chances are he’s a momma boy.

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(4/5)

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About Misty

Your friendly neighborhood narcissist. I'm sarcastic, cynical and a bit cranky. I own a soap box so big that sometimes I have difficulty stepping down off of it, and I'm about 94% certain I have multiple personalities. I don't sleep enough, and I read more than any person should ever consider normal. I have anger management issues, especially when I'm stuck in traffic and I have an unhealthy obsession with my Kindle. I am a vampire lovin', zombie obsessed, book-in-hand, iPod freak. You either love me or hate me. You be the judge.