Pat Down At Hyper Speed


Afternoon my fellow Kindle-ites, unfortunately due to a pretty serious rash of migraine headaches I have been unable to read as quickly as I normally do, so…keeping that in mind I thought I would bring y’all an oldie but goodie.  This was a post from way back in 2007 that still makes me laugh.  Happy reading!

It is a rare opportunity when I get to write about the follies of others, especially when it comes to my husband, but today y’all get a special treat.

As most of you (my wonderful blog readers) know by now I am afraid of June Bugs. It is a debilitating little fear that my husband loves to take advantage of at every passing chance, however this past week he got an alarming and quite entertaining turn of fate blown in his direction.

See, David is not that big of a fan of spiders, I would call it.. AFRAID! yep that’s a good word for it. My husband is afraid of spiders!

The other day as he was about to go outside to grab the mail he got a personal visit from Miss Charlotte herself. Just as he was opening the door a rather large (I will have to give him was pretty big) spider decided that it was tired of the Texas heat and wanted to enjoy today’s most precious invention: air conditioning. Unfortunately for my husband.. the spider got so confused by the sudden rush of Artic Wind he encountered upon entering that he bolted…. right up my husbands pant leg.

Now I, who at this point was standing in the living room with a clear view of the mass chaos, decided that it was better to stay out of harms way. So, I did what every good wife would do. I sat …. and laughed.

Here was my husband.. in the front hall in complete FREAK OUT mode trying to jiggle the pesky little beast from his pants, when that didn’t work?? Next best thing ?? STRIP! Now if my husband had been a world famous Chippendale dancer this look would have been great for him, however instead all I saw was my dorky husband swinging (at a high velocity) his pants in a circle above his head hoping to banish the spider from his pants by slinging it against a wall.

When that didn’t work?? No spider emerged… his mind went into 2nd degree hysterics.. “Where is the Spider?” “OMG!!!! WHERE IS THE FUCKING SPIDER??!!??” (<—insert girlie scream here) Then starts the “Cops” version of the self-initiated pat down. With a quick (almost un-human speed) flapping of the hand he commences to slapping every part of his body to make sure that the spider has not ventured to the “Land of the Unknown.” Once he is certain that the spider has not decided to make a new home amongst the family jewels he picks up his pants again….when “SURPRISE” here comes Little Miss Muffetts best friend, out of his pocket. How this tiny little creature made it so far while fighting the spazmatic jolts equal to a small earthquake I will never know.. but one thing I do know? My husband is now in desperate need for a session of hypnotic therapy, and takes the long way around the house to get the mail.

Lesson Learned: I am not the only one in my family that screams like a girl! Which is odd considering I am the only girl.

About Misty

Your friendly neighborhood narcissist. I'm sarcastic, cynical and a bit cranky. I own a soap box so big that sometimes I have difficulty stepping down off of it, and I'm about 94% certain I have multiple personalities. I don't sleep enough, and I read more than any person should ever consider normal. I have anger management issues, especially when I'm stuck in traffic and I have an unhealthy obsession with my Kindle. I am a vampire lovin', zombie obsessed, book-in-hand, iPod freak. You either love me or hate me. You be the judge.

One thought on “Pat Down At Hyper Speed

Comments are closed.